A third interview.

Good afternoon.
Yes, hello.

I understand you're quite wary of journalists.
Yes, I've had many problems in the past. However, you appear to have excellent credentials.

Yes I do.
It is my understanding that you are a well respected reporter for a prestigious Brighton publication?

That is correct.
And you refuse to tell me the name of this publication?

That is also correct.
And you will only communicate with me via "thought waves" sent directly into my brain?

Yes, for obvious reasons.
Well, this all seems above board. Shall we begin?

With all due respect, Mr Garyhaus, don't tell me how to do my job. I will let you know when it's time to begin.
Oh, sorry.

Let's begin. Could you tell me what exactly this puppet show is about?
Right, yes, well it's sort of set in a fictional land during an unspecified time period . . .

Clever - so you can't be accused of historical inaccuracies?
Exactly. And also so that we can feature historical figures and scientific ideas that weren't around at the same time.

Why don't you give me some examples of these figures and ideas?
We have the Austrian philosopher of science, Karl Popper. There's also Isaac Newton. Some relativists. Zeno of Elea. Aristotelian theories of motion. Bloodletting. All sorts of things.

Excellent. So you might say you've got it all?
Yes I suppose I might.

I will quote you on that. Now I don't think you actually answered my initial question - what is the show about?
Well you interrupted me.

What?
You asked another question, while I was still answering.

This interview is over.
Oh.

Secret Garden Party.

The Garyhaus Players will be taking I Have Never Cared For Sunsets: A History to this summer's Secret Garden Party festival, 19th to the 22nd of July.

Post-interview thoughts.

That went quite badly.

A second interview.

Hi, lovely to meet you!

Oh I see, another one of these? Great.

Sorry, are you being sarcastic? I think it might be unclear to anybody reading the transcript of this interview that you're being sarcastic.

Oh, so it's an 'interview' now?

Well, yes, what else would it be?

Oh I don't know, maybe a nonsensical conversation with a character who exists only in my head and refuses to discuss anything but his hatred for sunsets?

From my experience, that seems far less likely.

Oh?

Yes, I think interviews are much more common than what you've just described.

I've been hurt before.

Maybe I should go.

Maybe you should.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Introducing the characters.

I've been thinking about my performance in the below interview, and I've started to suspect that, while I performed adequately, my interviewer was rather unprofessional, and as a result you really learn very little about the play itself. Since the interview, he's refused to tell me what publication he works for, or whether he himself even exists. This is all very worrying, as you can imagine. I've decided to put the whole experience behind me, hold my head up high, and prepare for a second interview, whenever that may be.

In the meantime, in order to give you some information about the play which my terrible interviewer was unable  to coax out of me, I shall briefly introduce you to all of the characters featuring in 'I Have Never Cared for Sunsets' (in order of appearance).

Man One: A fine fellow. Although, in retrospect, apparently not fine enough to be designated a name. Anyway, I feel he sort of holds the whole thing together.

Man Two: He's there so that Man One has somebody to talk to.

Ruler George: One of many rulers of the fictional land in which our characters reside. This guy read Plato once, but I'm not sure he understood it.

The Doctor: Likes moustaches. Doesn't like wearing trousers. The only Doctor in town, so of some use, as you can imagine.

Mr Rudolph: A gentleman of leisure, prone to substance abuse (particularly when the substance in question is a big fat leech).

Mr Smith: Physics teacher, just trying to keep up with everything. Tricky business, this physics.

Isaac Newton: Precocious child, thinks he knows more about physics than his teachers!

Jimmy: Friend of Isaac's. Not much more than that. Quite good at star jumps, also.

Tennis Player: He's ever so good at tennis.

Colin: The second of our leaders. A free-spirited man of peace, believes that all ideas are equal and should be treated accordingly.

Zeno: Holder of some sort of paradox that has led him to stop believing in motion. I suspect he hasn't really thought this through. Has a bow and arrow, and isn't afraid to use it.

Karl Popper: Austrian philosopher of science. Strongly believes in empirical falsification. But, as usual, takes it too bloody far. To be honest, he's quite evil. It's him that doesn't like sunsets.

Falsification Ministers: Hired muscle. They work for Popper.

Relativist One: A relativist. Rather good at maths.

Relativist Two: A second relativist. Not that bright. If you ask me, Relativist One could probably do without him.

There we are. I hope that helps.

An interview.

What's this 'sunset' play all about then?
Good question. I should begin by making it clear it's not about sunsets.

I was really hoping it would be about sunsets.
You're a sunset fan, I take it?

Not so much a fan, no. In fact, the very opposite. I myself have never cared for sunsets.
That's the name of the play!

A misleading name.
Well, the line 'I have never cared for sunsets' does feature in the play itself. It is spoken by one of the characters.

Really? So there's a fellow in the play who doesn't care for sunsets? Much like how I don't care for sunsets?
Yes.

In that case, I shall buy myself a ticket right now!
Brilliant!

I'm very much looking forward to watching this play about a man who doesn't like sunsets.
Ah, I think I may have accidentally misled you again. That's not really what the play is about. There is a man in it who, at one point, says that he doesn't like sunsets, but it's not fundamental to the play. It's not even fundamental to his character. It's a bit of a throw-away line.

You have lost yourself a customer. Good day, sir.
Good day.